Girl I Came to the Bar with: I'm so drunk.
Me [jealous]: Really? I'm not drunk at ALL.
Girl: Really? We should do another shot of tequila then.
Me: Yeah!
---
Me: No WAY! Emily Dickinson is the FEMALE SHAKESPEARE!
[I don't know who started this conversation. I hope it was somehow not me but that's unlikely. My memory picks up in the middle, where I perceive that someone is trashing my girl Emily.]
Three People I Barely Know: "Thing I know about Emily Dickinson!" "Thing I know about Emily Dickinson!" "Thing I know about Emily Dickinson!"
Me [continues to perceive that these people hate Emily Dickinson and that it is important I set them straight]: I'm going to recite my favorite Emily Dickinson poem!
Three People I Barely Know: Glance with amused (?) expressions at one another.
Me: DID OUR BEST MOMENT LAST, twould supersede the HEAVEN. A FEW, and they by RISK, PROCURE, so this sort are not GIVEN. EXCEPT...
Me: HOLD ON.
Me: UM, NEVER MIND I CAN'T REMEMBER IT RIGHT NOW.
Me: Decides it is time to leave the bar.
---
Girl I Came to the Bar with: I'm getting a cab home now.
Me: Yeah, me too. I can't believe I had four shots of tequila and I'm still barely buzzed.
Girl [not present for failed Emily Dickinson recitation, and drunk herself]: That's weird.
---
Me: Can you roll the window down? I feel like throwing up.
Cab driver: Looks alarmed, simultaneously rolls my window down and starts to pull over.
Me: No, you don't have to pull over. I'm not really going to. I just feel like I want to.
Cab driver: All right, well, let me know, okay?
Me: All right.
Me: Man, I feel so nauseous. I really feel like throwing up.
Cab driver: Starts to pull over again.
Me: No, no! Waves hand forward. Keep going, it's okay! I'm not really going to. I just really feel like it.
---
That last conversation is the reason why the guy who runs the cab has a t-shirt that says on it "TKA Taxi / Silence is golden / Duct tape is silver."
I continue to stand by my controversial opinion: Emily Dickinson is the FEMALE SHAKESPEARE.
Oh wait, hold on.
I continue to stand by my controversial opinion: Getting way drunk is not that fun.
Every once in awhile I'm compelled to retest this, to make sure it really truly isn't fun. Because the thing is, it's always different. Sometimes I yell at people about books. Sometimes I make out with someone. Sometimes I dance. Sometimes I refuse to stop talking about how I want to eat pasta until there is pasta in my mouth, and even then, through partially chewed pasta, I continue to talk about it. Sometimes I think about how "I don't know what I'm doing" in life, and start crying.
Even though in only that last example I explicitly mention sadness (i.e., crying), there is always a creeping horror to drunkenness. That is my experience of it, anyway.
Which is why it's best to stick to a few glasses... maybe half a bottle, tops... of wine. Or a whole bottle if you're eating with it. That's fine. OR, two pints of beer, tops. OR, zero tequila shots.
I LOL'd at the conversations, especially the Emily Dickinson one. But you're right about getting really drunk. I like that you were scientific about it and did an experiment and recorded the data.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes miss being young, but I never miss being young and drunk.
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